Being Grateful Now

I just read two though-provoking posts on gratitude, and now I want to share mine with all of you. This post was inspired by Sistah Ant’s Living Beyond Measure and Ms. M&P’s What Are You Thankful For?

Two nights ago I had an epiphany. I had just finished a casual, gossipy dinner with two girlfriends. It was dusk, and I decided to meet my boyfriend at his apartment nearby to watch a TV or a movie. I had about half an hour until he’d be home from work, so I wandered around West Village window-shopping and people-watching (a great place to do both).

Then I passed a wine bar that I love but rarely visit. I went in, sat at the bar, and ordered a glass of buttery Chardonnay (which was $11! - but that’s not the point). It’s a small, upscale, candle-lit place, and I sat sipping my wine contentedly and enjoying my surroundings. To my left at the bar was an older man savoring dinner and an expensive bottle alone. To my right was a view through red velvet curtains of the spotless patio, where a dozen or so fashionable people ate, drank, and laughed carelessly.

Then I felt gentle but powerful waves of gratitude flow through me. It was a pleasurable physical sensation but as tears threatened to well, my alarmed mind raced to figure out what was prompting such an unexpected emotional episode. Was the wine going straight to my head? Perhaps. But I also realized that in that very moment and in every way, I was unconsciously living my sincerest fairy-tale fantasy.

I was suddenly absorbed by an image of my younger self, day-dreaming about one day living in a big city, being stylishly dressed, and catching an insignificant cocktail at a fancy bar. It was a varying but repetitive vision during my youth. Who might I meet at such a place? Where might I be headed to or coming from in such an outfit? I would have a prestigious career and dashing suitors; I would attend elegant parties and wear gorgeous, expensive clothes.

And there I was: in my chic outfit, sitting at that luxurious bar, coming from my great new banking job, headed to meet my wonderful (and dashing) boyfriend, and living right in the heart of a fabulous big city. The crazy thing is that I never really strived for that; it was just an indulgent fantasy occasionally provoked by some movie or another during my decidedly unglamorous youth in rural Alabama. But sitting there and realizing that I’d inadvertently attained it made me realize and appreciate a profound, spiritual truth: I already have everything I ever wanted.

Despite my youth and the (hopefully) long life ahead of me, and despite all my yet-unfulfilled dreams, goals, and plans; my happiness and contentment never can nor will intensify beyond what I grasped in that moment. I've already got it; it's in me, naturally. I just have to stop and notice it and be grateful more often. The achievement of various aspirations (career successes, marriage, wealth, material items, social status) does not have the power to give me more happiness or peace any more than the absence of some random achievement can make me miserable. In fact those things probably do more to block our access to the natural reserves of joy and peace that we all have within us as human beings. And if you dont' believe that's true, think of it this way: do you think natives in third world countries don't have as much joy or peace simply because they don't have big suburban homes, retirement accounts, and emergency funds?

Now of course I don't always feel like I have what I want or even what I need. But that's probably because I'm not grateful enough. That fleeting glimpse of pure, innocent joy I felt this week made me realize that if I actually pause every once in awhile and let go of all my needy, worldly desires, I can retrieve the fulfillment and joy that's already there. Gratitude is an incredible tool in that way. I hope I can learn to utlize it.

We each already have innate access to true and limitless joy and peace. We each already have everything we need. It doesn't matter how much debt you have or how much money or anything else. So go ahead; be grateful now. What are you waiting for?