I was glad to see Money Magazine profile an interesting and a-typical family in Bachelor Dad: Keeping it Together. But I have to admit that I while this single dad is a sympathetic character, I couldn't help smiling smugly as he "struggled" and "sacrificed" through the whole thing. Um, yeah, welcome to being a single parent, guy.
First of all, why are we calling him "bachelor dad?" I don't recall single moms ever being referred to as "bachelorette moms."
The article goes on and on about the non-financial aspects of his life--how now he has to get up at 5:30am, his unbelievably frenzied morning routine getting his kids ready, how money's so tight he can't afford to get a speeding ticket as he commutes to work for a whole hour. You can tell a man wrote the article as he shakes his head in awe of everything this man does for the sake of his kids. Give me a break.
Oh, but we should feel sorry for him because if he hadn't been forced to make sacrifices as a parent, he thinks he'd be making $500,000 a year by now.
Instead, once he gained custody of the children, he made the agonizing decision to leave that orbit so he'd have the time to care for them properly; today he earns $156,000. "I love my kids deeply, so I'm happy to make whatever trade-offs I need to make," says King. "But I have to fight my own anger and frustration when I think about the opportunities I had that were lost."Poor dad.
Most single moms are making far less than that because NOT ONLY because they sacrificed their lucrative careers to be more flexible with older kids like you did, but because they ALSO probably sacrificed a huge portion of their earning potential in the first place by staying home with them as babies and toddlers just when their earnings would have been ramping up.
I really got annoyed when the article started mentioning how poor bachelor dad had paid "almost $500,000!!" in legal fees and child support over the last decade. I'm sorry, but that isn't very much for a man who was earning $200,000 a year at the time. That's $50,000/yr, less than a fourth of his income. Not bad considering you have 4 kids you're "supporting." And that INCLUDES all legal fees (which he racked up by consistently petitioning for sole custody over the entire decade).
And while the article points out that "for women the big issue [after divorce] usually is figuring out how to make ends meet..." it goes on to say that
"for men, however, solo parenthood more often wreaks havoc on their careers. Eyes will roll in the office as you explain to the boss, once again, why you're the one who has to skip out early to attend the school play or stay home to nurse a sick child. And there's no status in turning down a promotion because your kids need you at home - in fact, as a single father you may no longer be offered the chance to say no."I can't imagine what that's like. Oh wait, yes I can--along with every female whose ever worked in an office, whether they have kids or not.
All the while this poor working father is "brooding about 'what I could have been.'" Because he's just "a senior vice president of business technology for a mortgage bank." But it still sucks because "once the kids moved in he lost a lot of freedom too." Poor poor dad. Being a working parent is tough, isn't it! What did you think would happen when you got sole custody of your 4 kids? Maybe this will teach you and other men to give mothers in the workplace some flexibility and a little less judgement.
13 comments:
Meg -
Thanks for the post - I have to say I don't always agree with your take on things - but in this case you are right on. Why don't we celebrate the sacrifices women with careers make (single or not) to have and raise children. One of my hesitations to having children is figuring out how to balance career with home - and I think it is a struggle that many women deal with every day.
I read the article and it made me gag in disgust. Your opinion of it mirrors mine exactly. I couldn't have said it better.
Good grief.
Poor senior vice president.
No doubt 95% or more of single mothers find themselves in circumstances more difficult than this gentleman. However, the point of the article was not directed at diminishing the challenges faced by single parent females. It is directed at giving financial advice to people in his situation (which would be equally applicable regardless of gender), and to a lesser extent, recognizing that there are single parent fathers too. In spite of this fact, this article appears to be interpreted as insulting single mothers because it doesn’t recognize that in general there are people worse off than this particular single father. By the same logic, any article about a married family in slightly better circumstances yet trying to make financial readjustments should be derided as being equally "annoying," or "disgusting" for not recognizing that single mothers (or single fathers) have it much tougher than that hypothetical family. I doubt that such an article would trigger an equivalent reaction (indeed it doesn’t as articles like those constantly appear in various financial publications without these kinds of posts and comments).
The article mentions that one in five single parent families are headed by a man. I don’t think that one in five articles discussing the struggles of single parents uses a single father as an example. If that assumption is a fair one, then one cannot even make the argument that, regardless of the intended point of the article, this is an example of patriarchal institutional bias against recognizing the often more difficult struggles of women.
I am a man, and as a result, I cannot have as deep an understanding of the struggles that women face as a result of their gender. However, the flip side is that I can speak to the perspectives of men. Accordingly, I offer this up to the author of this blog and these commenters: being quick to turn things like this article, which (in my opinion) are not in any way directed at diminishing women, into proof of our culture’s pervasive misogyny diminishes your credibility when it comes instances where women truly are being attacked. To recognize that one man confronts obstacles does not per se mean women do not face obstacles themselves nor does it mean that single mothers are not equally deserving of our compassion for their struggles to overcome those obstacles.
I appreciate the call at the end of the post for less judgment, so I will end my comment with a similar plea.
Anonymous male - We definitely need more awareness about single fatherhood specifically and single-parenthood in general. I guess I am just most disgusted that I've never read a single article about being a single mom which was so sympathetic to the struggles that go with being a working parent.
The tone and theme of this article were clearly gender-oriented, and I guess I'm just offended that the issues facing this MAN are considered so incredibly noble and terrible and sacrificial - but when discussing single moms the tone is much less sympathetic.
Women aren't allowed to complain about their loss of freedom or bemoan the careers they could have had. Women are expected to stay home with kids and choose flexible (and often lowerpaying) careers - and many are blamed for it, not heralded.
All in all I'm so glad Money published this article and that single fatherhood is being talked about. The sooner men are inflicted with the perils of having to parent their kids, the sooner the workplace will adapt for all parents. If too many men start suffering we'll immediately have national mandatory flex time!
Wow! What if the article had actually been demeaning to women? Would you have rounded up all the men in your neighborhoods and sacrificed them?
The article doesn't even disparage the guys wife. Relax. Not every article that doesn't feature a woman is an attack on women.
Quality intelligent response Anonymous.
This post and much of the comments are imbued with what seems to pass for discussion in this country today...hate.
-H.Roarke
Ya know--I read this article in Money and I was laughing out loud. You said everything I was thinking. I (a single mom to five daughters) kept wanting to write "DUH" over the entire article.
Wow...
He doesn't have a will, but he's spending his commute on his laptop, PDA and phone while driving? And his life insurance isn't enough, either it says.
Again, wow.
And yes, "Single fathers often face different financial challenges than single moms" really disgusted me, too.
Women are worried about how to make ends meet because we're less likely to even have a chance at jobs that pay as well as the one he settled for. It's the same problem -- except that we women typically have it worse.
I'll say it once more...
Woooooow.
Anon #2 - Nobody said the article is demeaning to women. And no one is hating anyone (I for one LOVE men, and truly admire and respect single fathers). I'm not really sure where you're getting that. And who mentioned his ex wife? Of course it isn't disparaging her.
I said in the first paragraph that this man is a truly sympathetic character. Then I went on to critique THE ARTICLE - not him.
As I said, I'm happy the author (and presumably men everywhere) are horrified at this man's predicament. It is horrible, and the sacrifices necessary are truly sobering. I'm just sorry it takes a man going through it for people (read: men) to get that.
“I couldn't help smiling smugly as he "struggled" and "sacrificed" through the whole thing.” - Yeah, no hate here. This is directed by him.
"bachelor dad?" I don't recall single moms ever being referred to as "bachelorette moms." – Is using bachelor really positive or negative? Using bachelor or bachelorette doesn’t make me think any different about the dad or mom.
“You can tell a man wrote the article as he shakes his head in awe of everything this man does for the sake of his kids. Give me a break.” - If a man wrote this same story about a woman and didn’t shake his head in awe, you would be angry at that. No matter how this article was written you wouldn’t be happy.
“I read the article and it made me gag in disgust.” – Gag in disgust? At no point in the article does it say this guy does anything different than a bachelorette mother does or that his actions are more noble. I have read plenty of bachelorette mother articles and they paint the woman in the same positive light.
H.Roarke
Sorry anonymous males obviously you weren't raised by single mothers. Single mothers would be gagging and throwing up over the article.
Every other single parent doesn't resent giving up their careers, they choose their children over that. Their most important decision is parenting or else they wouldn't be in it alone. They are sole steward in the family. They are the bulwark against life.
The guy needs a serious reality check. Who complains about making $156k in TEXAS. God if he complained maybe in CA or NY, but it's TEXAS. He doesn't even pay property taxes.
"Every other single parent doesn't resent giving up their careers, they choose their children over that." - Please, this statement just is not true. First, the word, resent, is not used in the article. Second, just because you love your kids and are fine with sacrificing for them, doesn't mean the sacrifice didn't suck.
"Who complains about making $156k in TEXAS." - Anyone who could be making $500k. It's all relative. Someone in Chad would probably wonder the samething if you complained about your salary.
"Single mothers would be gagging and throwing up over the article." - Why? Because he happens to make more than the average person?
I just found your blog and have been reading backwards from today. I'm a new landlord (though from less choice - I'm a new landlord because it's nearly impossible to sell a house in this market). And I loved this post about the Money Magazine article! I found the article upsetting in many of the same ways...
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